This is a really special post because my husband and I kind of collaborated on it. Nothing like cracking open a beer and thinking of a bunch of whack things that your kids say! Without further ado, here are some of the most common things our toddler twins say and the translation for them.
Daddy Car Run-da-round
Translation: I want to go play in your car and sing Wheels on The Bus at the top of my lungs. I will push all of the buttons so that when you try and go to work tomorrow morning the radio will be on full bast and the drop-downn floor boards will be malfunctioning. Have fun hurling yourself up into your blaring suburban at 6:30 a.m., Daddy!
Translation: I would like to go play outside, Mama. By “play” I mean try to kill myself in all ways shapes and forms that I can possibly dream up. If you try and stop me, I will run away screaming and kicking until a neighbor considers calling CPS.
Translation: Give me your cell phone so that I can turn WIFI off, watch YouTube videos of Wheels on The Bus and use all of your data up for an entire month in about 20 minutes. What’s that, Daddy? You think you will deny me this privilege tomorrow when you realize that you have no more data on your cell? Oh…I will scream until I throw up or you give up. Either way, you lose!
Translation- I give zero f**cks that it is 7:30 a.m. I want a cookie. I neeeeeed a cookie. You won’t give me a cookie? We don’t even have any cookies? I don’t care. I will scream. I need those cookies. I am a victim of the American diet. I am feeding a toddler addiction here. Cookies run my s**t.
Translation: It is the middle of the night and I have decided you need to bring me some water. I am not actually thirty. I just got you suckers up about 20 minutes ago with the same toddler drama. You came into my nursery, though, so bring me that water. What’s this, Daddy? Water that is not in Mama’s cup? Not having it. Gonna cry loudly and wake the whole house up. How do I know it isn’t Mamas? I don’t, but you seem pretty worked up over it so we’re gonna roll with it. See ya in 10 minutes, Daddy, when I scream for more waaaah-weeeeee.
Translation: I’m gonna need you to pick my little fanny up and carry me around for the next…ohhhhhh I don’t know….let’s say 14 hours. K? While you’re at it- pick my twin up too, Mama. I don’t know why you look so exasperated. Can’t your unicorn self cook, clean and run errands all day while holding us? What kind of mother are you really? Besides you are always complaining about how you never get to work out. You’re welcome, Mom.
All Done All Done
Translation: Don’t care that you spent half a day making this lovely meal. I’m all done with that s**t. I don’t care that you are trying to bathe me because I am caked with dirt, food, and snot, I am all done with this bath. Oh, the nap that I never took and instead ran around my bedroom destroying it…all done mom! You want to brush my little pearly whites so that they don’t fall out of my head. Guess what…all done. Already sucked all of the toothpaste off of the toothbrush TWICE and now I am DONE.
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Kristin is a SAHM mom of four little blonde girls ages 8, 6 and identical twin 2-year-olds. Lover of cheese, craft beer, top knots and BRAVO. Hate of Thomas the Train, Caillou, and laundry. You can find Kristin and her little Blonde-tourage hanging out at popular Suburban hot spots like the local Target and Home Depot. Kristin is the cynical mind behind her personal blog Four Princesses and the Cheese, and is a regular writer for Suburban Misfit Mom as well as a contributing writer at Sammiches and Psych Meds, BonBon Break and The Erma Bombeck humorwriters.org.