I’ve been tagged in a lot of articles and posts about “stupid things said to parents of multiples” or “things not to say to a twin mom” and it is getting frustrating because MOST of those things don’t bother me. MOST.
I find it humorous when people ask things like:
- Are they identical?
- Do they have their own personalities?
- Can you tell them apart?
When my first set of girls were born, I wanted people to know they were twins. I wanted people to know I was doing it. I was out and about, and I was living with twins as if it was a disease! I wanted them to know I carried them to full-term and they were huge, healthy babies.
They didn’t look alike, and still look nothing alike. They clearly have their own personalities.
I’m their mother so of course I can tell them apart.
BUT THEN. But then, I had another set. of twins, And things started to change. This new set was IDENTICAL. A totally different territory for us.
Suddenly yes, YES, they are very much identical and have seemingly similar personalities.
Even I, as their mother, have a HARD time telling them apart!
I enjoy talking about my girls and all the craziness that comes with them. As a mother of multiples, life is INSANE and I couldn’t even begin to imagine having triplets or more.
I enjoy these “stupid” questions for one main reason – I enjoy talking about it because people generally give me positive feedback.
“You’re so relaxed.”
“I can’t believe you are out here alone!”
“They are so well behaved (or cute or whatever).”
As a parent of multiples, I often feel like I am failing at a rapid rate, so when people say these KIND things to me, my energy rises and I am once again reminded that I am doing something right, and I CAN do it.
I will clearly tell you the questions I don’t like.
I don’t like the invasive, personal questions.
I don’t like people asking HOW it happened.
I don’t like when I clearly make an attempt to not share inquiries into my sex life with the stranger in line and they continue to ask and be pushy. That is MY business, NOT yours.
After the babies were born, I was fearful of going out and being bombarded with these questions. I didn’t like the attention. I was tired. I was depressed. I was stressed out and I didn’t want a single person looking at me, let alone ask me questions.
And? PLEASE be careful what you do say because little ears are listening. They might not understand your tone when you make comments like:
- I could never handle twins.
- Better you than me.
- Oh, she is so cute, and oh she loves boy stuff (all she heard was that her sister is cute ,not her).
- I’d die if I had twins.
This is hurtful to my girls. Then I have to answer questions as to why you would hate having twins.
So be kind. Be thoughtful.
But I do get it. I get the personality questions, the twin talk, how do you do it, and so on.
I do ask, and I think ALL parents with one kid or ten would agree, don’t stop us to peek at a sleeping baby or ask about their personality when we are scrambling through the store, or trying to make it through a meal when dining out.
No one wants to be bothered when they are toting kids around.
Pick your moments people.
Think about what you are asking, and remember, if you are asking these questions, chances are, so did 15 other people.
I don’t mind being tagged in these articles because some of them are really funny. Some of them do make me laugh but I also don’t want people to feel bad because they are curious.
I only ask that you pick your questions and comments thoughtfully.
This is a guest post written by a fellow mom of multiples. If you wish to contribute and share your multiples story/ tips, please head to our Submissions page for more details! This post has been syndicated with permission to Multiples Illuminated.
Kerry Bergeman is the mom of two sets of twins: fraternal girls born on December 22, 2008 and identical girls born on December 19, 2013. She believes in supporting local farmers, artists and businesses. Kerry believes in rescuing animals and treating them wonderfully. Kerry and her family have been rescuing pit-bulls, always has and always will. Kerry and her husband hope that they raising their girls to have just as much compassion.
Check out more of Kerry’s writing!